How to Be a US President
By Chicken and Rice
Being the President of the United States is so overrated. Think about it; We literally elected a reality TV star last time. In fact, with all the fun things you can do as president, it’s surprising that there hasn’t been a Keeping Up With the White House. Here are five of the dopest things you can do as the president (based off of tweets from Jules Suzdaltsev):
1. Stare directly into the Sun during the solar eclipse.
Why do astrological events have to be so difficult? Only “special” people with “special” glasses get to look at the dark sun. And if I don’t have those “special” goggles, I’m just supposed to stand there and NOT simply look up?? Sounds pretty elitist to me. Even if you do have “special” glasses, they are NOT cute! Why would you want to make a fool of yourself with alien goggles when you could just *not*. Lucky for you, when you’re the president, the laws of science do not apply to you! As one of the few people with access to “special” glasses, you can HOLD them in your HAND, and stare directly into the Sun with your naked eyeballs, without fearing for your corneas.
2. Throw paper towels into the crowd after a devastating hurricane in Puerto Rico.
Only the most generous of leaders can be elected in this country. When one of the US territories experiences a catastrophic natural disaster, the people will look to none other than President Quicker-Picker-Upper themself. As president, you must be ready to engage in acts of incredible selflessness during such a time of need. You should be prepared to lead your people in an era of destruction and chaos. Chucking one singular roll of paper towels into a crowd of hundreds of families should do the trick. Let that roll spread out and soak up all the territory’s woes.
3. Cater McDonalds after you shut down the government and have no chefs.
Do you ever get tired of your job? Nobody ever listens to you, and you’ve had enough. You just want to shut it all down. As the president, you can do exactly that. When you’re done with literally everyone, you can just shut down the entire government. Some may call you dramatic, but what are they going to do about it? You’re the PRESIDENT. You can literally pardon yourself from any federal crime. It happens all the time. And sure, your entire service staff will go home, but who needs them anyways? That’s what McDonald’s is for. Every real citizen knows that a whole catered McDonald’s feast is the REAL American Dream. With so many menu items to choose from, you’ll never get bored. This way, you’re sure to win the I’m-stubborn-so-I’m-shutting-down-the-government-and-living-off-McDonald’s-until-you-give-me-what-I-want battle. Trust me, it’s worked every time.
4. Draw on a hurricane map with sharpie (and then nuke it).
Did you know that you have to go to weatherman school in order to run for president? It’s true! That way, when you’re addressing the public in regard to a potential tropical storm, you can make it less scary by simply deciding that it’s NOT going to hit. Then, all you have to do is redraw the map with your magic rain sharpie (which is a totally real thing the president has; Bill Nye the Science Guy ain’t got nothing on you), and BAM, crisis averted. Obviously the laws of nature will obey your magic rain sharpie; YOU make the rules when you’re the president. Duh. Oh, and if mother nature decides to do her own thing, you have every right to nuke her. And before you ask, yes, it works. That’s like, the FIRST thing they teach you in weatherman school.
5. Be sponsored by beans.
What do you think of when you hear the words, “President of the United States”? What comes to mind when you think of our country’s leadership? Beans. That’s right, as the one in charge of our nuclear weapons, you receive only the most patriotic endorsement out there. Goya beans are at every family barbeque, taco night, and of course, White House presidential dinner.
These may seem like out-of-this-world, crazy actions, but they have all been done before by a certain 45th US President. And his name may or may not rhyme with Shmonald Shrump. Beware of these activities; side effects may include, but are not limited to: Losing the popular vote (twice), being impeached by the House of Representatives (twice), only serving one term, and having satire written about you by a 17 year old high schooler.