Q&A With the Wisest Person on Earth: Me
By: The Wisest Person On Earth
*CAUTION* Read with someone else in the room, as the overwhelming wisdom in the following advice may cause side effects, such as fainting or shock.
Q: I want to participate in the science fair this year but I can't decide on a project; any ideas?
A: I've always wondered how fish stay hydrated.
Q: How do I stop procrastinating?
A: Procrastinate procrastinating.
Q: Which is the ultimate pet?
A: Fish are great friends AND food.
Q: I’m having trouble managing my money well. Any advice?
A: Spend it all on chocolate. No more money, no more problems.
Q: I've always wanted to play a wind instrument, but I don't know how to get started.
A: Put your mouth on one of the holes and blow.
Q: I have a son who doesn't go to school and doesn't do his homework. What should I do to make him more responsible?
A: Give him a credit card.
Q: How do I get my crush to like me?
A: Give yourself a makeover to look as stunning as Aphrodite.
Q: How do I avoid catching the coronavirus?
A: Empty the store shelves of bathroom and cleaning supplies.
Q: Who do I vote for president?
A: Vote for whoever says global warming doesn't exist. I've heard the more you say something, the more it becomes a reality.
Q: What’s important: beauty or brains?
A: One day, you will grow old and have neither so just flip a coin.
Q: Scientists say that the more carbon in the air there is, the hotter it gets. Any advice for combating this problem?
A: Take advantage of your air conditioner.
Q: How do I respond to my mom yelling at me?
A: Do what she tells you. Mother knows best!
Q: Should I go vegan or vegetarian?
A: Neither. Every time cows burp, they release methane and destroy our Earth. The best response is to destroy them in return.
Q: Any advice for when I meet my partner’s parents this weekend?
A: Boast about all your awards and accomplishments.
Q: What can I do to make America great again?
A: Encourage people to wear “Make America Native Again” hats.
Q: Is Santa Claus real?
A: No comment.
Q: My teachers keep telling me to go out and enjoy the sunshine, but I have too much homework. What should I do?
A: Find a hungry stray dog and feed it your homework.
Q: What do I need to be happy in life?
A: Quit trusting the credibility of people on the internet. Why are you still reading this list??