Q&A With the Wisest Person on Earth: Me

By: The Wisest Person On Earth

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*CAUTION*  Read with someone else in the room, as the overwhelming wisdom in the following advice may cause side effects, such as fainting or shock.


Q: I want to participate in the science fair this year but I can't decide on a project; any ideas?

A: I've always wondered how fish stay hydrated.


Q: How do I stop procrastinating?

A: Procrastinate procrastinating.


Q: Which is the ultimate pet?

A: Fish are great friends AND food.


Q: I’m having trouble managing my money well. Any advice?

A: Spend it all on chocolate. No more money, no more problems.


Q: I've always wanted to play a wind instrument, but I don't know how to get started.

A: Put your mouth on one of the holes and blow.


Q: I have a son who doesn't go to school and doesn't do his homework. What should I do to make him more responsible?

A: Give him a credit card.


Q: How do I get my crush to like me?

A: Give yourself a makeover to look as stunning as Aphrodite.


Q: How do I avoid catching the coronavirus?

A: Empty the store shelves of bathroom and cleaning supplies.


Q: Who do I vote for president?

A: Vote for whoever says global warming doesn't exist. I've heard the more you say something, the more it becomes a reality.


Q: What’s important: beauty or brains?

A: One day, you will grow old and have neither so just flip a coin.


Q: Scientists say that the more carbon in the air there is, the hotter it gets. Any advice for combating this problem?

A: Take advantage of your air conditioner.


Q: How do I respond to my mom yelling at me?

A: Do what she tells you. Mother knows best!


Q: Should I go vegan or vegetarian?

A: Neither. Every time cows burp, they release methane and destroy our Earth. The best response is to destroy them in return.


Q: Any advice for when I meet my partner’s parents this weekend?

A: Boast about all your awards and accomplishments.


Q: What can I do to make America great again?

A: Encourage people to wear “Make America Native Again” hats.


Q: Is Santa Claus real?

A: No comment.


Q: My teachers keep telling me to go out and enjoy the sunshine, but I have too much homework. What should I do?

A: Find a hungry stray dog and feed it your homework.


Q: What do I need to be happy in life?

A: Quit trusting the credibility of people on the internet. Why are you still reading this list??